I Spit in Your Food

I’ve been gone for a while.  Christmas break came so work stopped and I got out of the habit of posting.  Then once a new term began I never felt like posting.

But I’m back!  *crickets*

So much has happened in the last 12 weeks, including several new staff (insert: fresh meat)  but I’m going to start you off with a lovely story.

During Spring Break I worked at a kids camp.  So of course there are lots of kids who sometimes have more common sense than adults, and many more who don’t have any common sense at all.

One day we had soup.  Great.  I have to serve.  Not always a bad thing, since the kids are cute and funny to watch.  One child came through and asked for soup.  No problem.  I gave him half of what I give the adults simply because the kids usually don’t eat as much.  Once everyone had gone through I went into the back to eat and do work.  The kitchen staff leaves the food out for the stragglers and count on the counselors to keep the children away from the food.

After eating I walked back out to the dining room to gather the used dishes.  I walked out just in time to see a kid pouring his soup back into the FULL pot.  I was shocked.  I was so shocked that I had to walk away for two minutes before I could react.  I stayed within sight of the soup to stop anyone serving themselves the tainted soup.  Eventually I just grabbed the FULL pot and had to dump it down the drain.  Such a large amount of waste.  He is a child so I can excuse him, but I’m positive there are people at my school with the same amount of common sense as that child.

But that made me wonder.  The day before we had also served soup and I had given some to the same child.  Had he also dumped what he didn’t eat back into the pot?  I don’t think I ever want to know.

Have you met a blind person? They carry a cane, sometimes have a guide dog and are some of the coolest people you will meet.
The blind people you meet when working at my job are not those people.
Usually once a week our cafeteria will have the line be self-serve. So we do everything possible to inform the customer of this fact. We write on the chalkboard “Self serve today!” and print out four pieces of paper saying “Self serve today, entire line” in size 48 font, then tape them onto the sneeze guard. We then show very little interest in the customer when they come, by taking up to two minutes to get over to them to see if they need help. After all, it is entirely self serve and the menu is written on the board. What more could the customer want?
Customer: “Yes, I’ll have a rice bowl with noodles, rice, and chicken.”
Ah-ha! Apparently they want me to give them food.
Me: “Today the entire line is self serve, so you can serve yourself.” *Points out the sign they looked at for 30 seconds before talking to me.*
Customer: “Oh! So that is what that meant!”
I kid you not, a customer has said that.
This intrigues me. Have we trained some of our customers so well that even when they see several messages informing them to take all the food they can fit on a plate that they still will not? Perhaps this is a conditioned reflex similar to what Ivan Pavlov discovered. If so, I am rather proud of that fact. (Don’t know about Ivan Pavlov and his dogs? Read up on it here.)
Of course, there are folks that come through mid-week and try to serve themselves. That event shocks me the most. There are three servers dishing up food for the customers in line. The tools of the trade (a serving spoon) are facing away from the customer. Yet they walk up and begin to dish themselves. When one of us corrects the customer they usually respond by saying “Oh, sorry. I thought it was self-serve.”
Those are the times I wish slapping a customer was allowed.

On occasion we have customers come in and ask if we have any specials. This is a question that always confuses me. What do you mean by special? Do you mean a vast amount of food for the least amount of cost? Or do you mean a new dish that we only prepare once every couple of months, so the dish itself is special?
I assume that the customer means option number one.
I wonder what would make the customer think that one random day they could get more food for less than what they have been paying for the last year or two. Cost of purchasing food had been rising, yet our kitchen has not raised the prices of food for sale in several years in an effort to keep costs down for the students. So, where do you get the idea that we would suddenly lower our prices and give you more food? The idiocy of it all!
Of course, these are the exact same people who come in on Fridays and ask if they could have a plate of food for free when we close. I then explain that sadly, I cannot give away food to an individual. When they ask why they can’t have free food I am forced to explain that we donate most of our leftovers to the local homeless shelter. A noble cause that most people are delighted to hear we do. But there are a few people who stun me with their logic. “So why can’t I have any free food then?”
At that point I struggle to keep my face from distorting into disgust. What I want to say is “Become homeless and hope a space in the homeless shelter opens up. Then you can get free food.”
Instead I normally shrug my shoulders, tell the customer thats the way it is and walk away. I feel like sobbing over the lack of common sense people seem to have, or laughing over the sheer stupidity of the question.

Some customers make my day. Either through my ability to mock them or their ability to make me laugh. Often times it is both. I get to mock them AND they make me laugh. It’s like finding a free checking account that gives you interest on your balance.
The other day a woman walked up and asked me what sort of soup we would be offering that day for lunch. I had just clocked in 20 minutes before and did not know what was on the menu. So I did what any reasonable person would do. I responded with “No, I’m sorry. I don’t know what sort of soup we will be having. But you can come back in half an hour when we will be serving it and you can find out.” As I said this I was in a smiling mood. Obviously I was still within my first hour of work.
She responded with “Did you have to smile while saying that?”
“Yes.”
She then shook her fist in my general direction and walked away.
Apparently I was able to mock her and I didn’t even try. Change the scoreboard for the day to ‘Server: 1 Customer: 0′.
Later on in the day a man came through that I now call Shadow. He got that nickname not because he is sly or sneaky looking, unless you consider 300 pounds sly and sneaky, but because when he first introduced himself to me I was SURE he had said “Shadow”.
Shadow usually gets a box full of noodles and meat. Nearly every day he orders that. I am able to tease him about his lack of diet variety and vegetables, and he takes it with good taste.
One day he asked me why I always asked him if he wanted vegetables. I responded by saying there is always a chance and that there is a pool in the kitchen. I have January 28th.
Hooray for customers that make me laugh and I can mock. They are the buffer between me and me with a gun in the cafeteria.

I hate customers that ask questions. I expect the usual question or two such as “what is in this?” That I can understand and answer. What I cannot tell you is what ocean the fish is from that I am serving. Yes, I can go into the back and look on the label for you, but I can already tell you that it WILL NOT say what ocean it grew up in.
Yes, I have been asked that question. A man wanted to know what sort of fish it was (cod) and what ocean it was caught in. Excuse me? Was I just asked what OCEAN the fish came from? After I make the customers wait while I check on your silly and pointless questions I do not want to listen to your reasons for why you wanted to know. Stop talking! I honestly don’t care about what television show you watched that showed mutant fish coming out of the Atlantic ocean. I don’t care about your fear of contracting cancer from eating four or five ounces of fish once every two or three weeks.
Here, let me educated you sir. All fish has trace amounts of mercury in it.  That is the reason why it is recommended that pregnant women limit their fish intake during their nine months. You, a middle aged man have no fear of poisoning.
I’m sorry, was my word not enough two weeks ago?
We had the exact same fish today. And crazy fish man asked the exact same question. “Do you know what ocean the fish comes from?” Not to me this time, he asked my boss. She, being the kind, obliging woman told him she would go and look, the exact same thing I did two weeks ago. Only this time, she tore off the label to show to him. Proof that she, and I two weeks ago, did not lie about our lack of knowledge.
Take a chance crazy fish man, live a little. Chance cancer! After all, our economy is doing poor. The Canadian dollar is stronger than the US dollar, and India is no longer accepting US Dollars at its tourist spots. What better way to support our economy than contracting cancer and pouring thousands of dollars into the medical field?
I know I won’t complain.
Next time you ask me, crazy fish man, I’m going to lie.
From now on, the fish comes from the Bearing sea. At least for you.
Enjoy your fish, crazy fish man!

It seems as though some of our customers don’t know basic math. Many of our meals come in pagoda boxes that look similar to this. (It’s a link. Click on it.) So of course there is a limited amount of space which I can utilize when filling the customers orders. Because of this I have to know exactly what the customer wants, that way I can maximize the amount of food they get. Usually I will ask the customer if they want this, this and that included in their box. The customers that seem to have it down though, the ones who walk up and spout off what they want without waiting around and pondering, I don’t ask if they want anything extra. I’ve found that often times these people know exactly what they want, and want it in a very specific way, so asking if they want anything else is just wasted effort.
So, onto the math. Half and half=100%. At least in my world. So when a customer walks up and firmly states “I want half noodles and half vegetables.” I will fill up the pagoda halfway with the noodles, then the other half gets filled up with vegetables. There. 100%. Exactly what you wanted.
Me: “Would you like anything else?” (A force of habit and a way to make the customer feel as though I care about them.)
Customer who failed 1st grade math.: “Yes, I would like two scoops of meat, and put some rice on top.”
Me: (In my head) “Crap!” (no longer in my head) “Of course.”
The aftermath. A pagoda that has food spouting out of the top a good two or three inches. Impossible to close.

“I can has mathematical capable customers?”
“No, no mathematical capable customers for you.”